I think my best friend is the funniest person I know. She may be the next Chelsea Handler, but brunette and not Jewish. I've told her I'll be her Chuy, because I'm short and can just sit on the side and laugh at her. I've decided to share our personal conversations with you so that you can get a little laughter, too. And so that I can make her famous one day.

*Ladies and gentlemen: the stories you are about to hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Boyfriend Wants A Unicorn

So, my financially irresponsible boyfriend wants a puppy. (OF COURSE he does because I just got a puppy, and in typical twin/middle child fashion, he has to have one too).

Mind you, he just got a good job remodeling a house, before he was out of work for a couple of months. So what does he want to do with the hard earned money. Buy a puppy. Even though he already has a dog (who by the way hates other dogs and nearly killed mine). Instead of taking the $200 extra dollars and putting it towards a phone bill, or savings account, or car note, or vet bill, or diesel fuel to visit me. He wants to buy a puppy. "You can't take it with you when you die" he likes to say. Yes you can't take it with you when you die, but who wants to die homeless because you failed to save enough money to purchase a home.

Onto this puppy. It is a White Golden Retriever. To hear him talk about it one would assume they were going extinct, like the White Tiger, White Alligator, White Elephant, or White People even. He talks about it as though a dog gave birth to a unicorn in Philadelphia, Mississippi.

I'm disgusted.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


BFF: Remember Friedal?

DJ: Yes! Hahaha! No worries! Wonder what he's doing now?

BFF: I'm trying to look him up on Facebook but not having any success. I'm not positive that I'm spelling it right.

DJ: Friedal? I don't know...

BFF: Me either. I'll try it with an "a." It's probably with a "ph."

DJ: Phreedal? Maybe it has a silent "k."

BFF: Kphridal? or Freedell? Tsfreedell?

DJ: Any ideas on a last name?

BFF: We just felt each other up. It never got to last names. Well, he touched my bra under my turtleneck in the commons area of Copper Mountain.

DJ: That takes skill. Did he go from the top or the bottom?

BFF: Never the bottom. I'm like a black diamond. You have to prove you can make it to the bottom. It never got that far. Another couple Vodka tonics with grenadine. I might have let him but the two I had on top of the altitude wasn't enough to go whorehouse unfortunately.


Dear DJ,
Do I have "If your name is John and you're tall, I will date you. If you are unwilling to commit or financially unstable, your chances are better." tattooed on my forehead? Because if so I need to have it removed and replaced with "Will date anyone over 6 feet with money."

Edge of Fat

Dear DJ,

Student Quote of the Day:
Me: Ugh! I'm feeling fat today.
Student: You're not fat.
Me: Yep
Student: No, you're not fat, just don't gain any weight, that's all.

I'm like, hmmmm, does that mean I am the skinniest I can ever be on the edge of fat. Great!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Dove Over Afganistan

Dear DJ,

On my lunch duty today I walked past this student and noticed the words "Always Right" in place of the name. I was like "is that your girlfriend?," and he said, "yes," so I took a picture of it to send out as a message of hope. Then, later as I was looking at the picture I started to read the conversation, and the hope I was so excited about was shot down like a dove over Afghanistan. She claimed to eat too much and he suggested more abs...little does he know I'm going to suggest a swift kick in the ass and a clean my sink party in class tomorrow for his chauvinism.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wear Pants

Dear DJ,
So I have told you before that I only shave on the regular from about April until October because I am usually in shorts or a sundress. From November to February I'm usually in tights or pants so the only shave worthy thing in those months is sex.

I'm not a blondie that can go three weeks without shaving before someone tries to shoot and stuff me. Deforestation is a small price to pay for being Italian but none the less a pain in the ass. So as previously stated it's the month of February, and the last time I shaved was about a week ago. Last Thursday to be exact because I was going to see my can fill in the blanks. Anyways so I am getting dressed for school this morning and I believe at the time I had maybe heard on the news that I was kind of watching while playing on facebook that it was supposed to warm up today. So I decide to wear a skirt. The thought of my unkempt legs crosses my mind briefly, but then I think no one will notice that my legs look strikingly like Yellowstone National Park after a forest fire (did I mention how ashy my legs were from the pool chlorine..)

So I get outside. Freezing. Great. Skirt and Sperrys were a great choice. Go to work mind my business all day. No one tries to hunt me down so I think this is all good. Then the end of lunch bell rings. Here comes third period. Big, loud, ass clowns. Every kid in that class has a personality (not always good). My most loved and most hated class of all time. Enter Student, John*: 6'3 220-something offensive lineman that quotes Will Ferrell movies all day. John is also one of those students who has yet to complete one project in my class yet still manages to con me into giving him points for doing things like organizing by desk drawer or handing me a paintbrush.

As per usual, John is not doing his work, he has decided to take a seat next to my desk and just hound me with stupid questions and beg me to watch his football highlight video he put on YouTube. Really? Mid-conversation I see John's eyes go to no-man's land. Yep, straight to the legs. I thought maybe he was checking them out until I saw the horror on his face.

John: Oh my God. You need to shave.

Me: I know I've been.. (interrupted)

John: Wear Pants.

Me: O (and before I can get the "K"-I get it" out..)

John: Wear Pants. (pause) Do you want to switch bottoms?

John: You need to be wearing pants. I am more fit to wear that skirt right now.

Then THANK GOD, having the attention span of a cocker spaniel he was distracted by another student who was "Moving Like Bernie." (I wish that was made up, but it's not) So again... if you haven't learned from love lost at the orthopedic surgeon's office or repulsing an 18 year old boy who talks about farting all day... Shave your legs.


Dear DJ,
So I picked up a smelly cat today on my run and adopted it. Salem October-Sunday. So I put food out for it and I go to check on it tonight and there was a roach eating its food...a nasty ass roach...ugh! creepies! So I tried to shoo the roach and it CHARGED me. I was literally running backwards on my porch from a nasty ass mean roach.

Anything that crawls on all fours and does not have fur or a diaper needs to die. Especially if it has wings AND crawls. Salem just watched the roach try to attack me. We had a long talk after that. If it flies, it dies. If it crawls, it falls. Salem understands that her rent is not free.

Salem is awesome because she is like a dog and follows me everywhere. On the other hand, she thinks she is a dog and tries to sneak into the house. Until you bark and stop shedding, you're not allowed indoors. No pity for the kitty.