So, my financially irresponsible boyfriend wants a puppy. (OF COURSE he does because I just got a puppy, and in typical twin/middle child fashion, he has to have one too).
Mind you, he just got a good job remodeling a house, before he was out of work for a couple of months. So what does he want to do with the hard earned money. Buy a puppy. Even though he already has a dog (who by the way hates other dogs and nearly killed mine). Instead of taking the $200 extra dollars and putting it towards a phone bill, or savings account, or car note, or vet bill, or diesel fuel to visit me. He wants to buy a puppy. "You can't take it with you when you die" he likes to say. Yes you can't take it with you when you die, but who wants to die homeless because you failed to save enough money to purchase a home.
Onto this puppy. It is a White Golden Retriever. To hear him talk about it one would assume they were going extinct, like the White Tiger, White Alligator, White Elephant, or White People even. He talks about it as though a dog gave birth to a unicorn in Philadelphia, Mississippi.
I'm disgusted.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friedal
BFF: Remember Friedal?
DJ: Yes! Hahaha! No worries! Wonder what he's doing now?
BFF: I'm trying to look him up on Facebook but not having any success. I'm not positive that I'm spelling it right.
DJ: Friedal? I don't know...
BFF: Me either. I'll try it with an "a." It's probably with a "ph."
DJ: Phreedal? Maybe it has a silent "k."
BFF: Kphridal? or Freedell? Tsfreedell?
DJ: Any ideas on a last name?
BFF: We just felt each other up. It never got to last names. Well, he touched my bra under my turtleneck in the commons area of Copper Mountain.
DJ: That takes skill. Did he go from the top or the bottom?
BFF: Never the bottom. I'm like a black diamond. You have to prove you can make it to the bottom. It never got that far. Another couple Vodka tonics with grenadine. I might have let him but the two I had on top of the altitude wasn't enough to go whorehouse unfortunately.
DJ: Yes! Hahaha! No worries! Wonder what he's doing now?
BFF: I'm trying to look him up on Facebook but not having any success. I'm not positive that I'm spelling it right.
DJ: Friedal? I don't know...
BFF: Me either. I'll try it with an "a." It's probably with a "ph."
DJ: Phreedal? Maybe it has a silent "k."
BFF: Kphridal? or Freedell? Tsfreedell?
DJ: Any ideas on a last name?
BFF: We just felt each other up. It never got to last names. Well, he touched my bra under my turtleneck in the commons area of Copper Mountain.
DJ: That takes skill. Did he go from the top or the bottom?
BFF: Never the bottom. I'm like a black diamond. You have to prove you can make it to the bottom. It never got that far. Another couple Vodka tonics with grenadine. I might have let him but the two I had on top of the altitude wasn't enough to go whorehouse unfortunately.
Tattoo
Dear DJ,
Do I have "If your name is John and you're tall, I will date you. If you are unwilling to commit or financially unstable, your chances are better." tattooed on my forehead? Because if so I need to have it removed and replaced with "Will date anyone over 6 feet with money."
Do I have "If your name is John and you're tall, I will date you. If you are unwilling to commit or financially unstable, your chances are better." tattooed on my forehead? Because if so I need to have it removed and replaced with "Will date anyone over 6 feet with money."
Edge of Fat
Dear DJ,
Student Quote of the Day:
Me: Ugh! I'm feeling fat today.
Student: You're not fat.
Me: Yep
Student: No, you're not fat, just don't gain any weight, that's all.
I'm like, hmmmm, does that mean I am the skinniest I can ever be on the edge of fat. Great!
Student Quote of the Day:
Me: Ugh! I'm feeling fat today.
Student: You're not fat.
Me: Yep
Student: No, you're not fat, just don't gain any weight, that's all.
I'm like, hmmmm, does that mean I am the skinniest I can ever be on the edge of fat. Great!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Dove Over Afganistan
Dear DJ,
On my lunch duty today I walked past this student and noticed the words "Always Right" in place of the name. I was like "is that your girlfriend?," and he said, "yes," so I took a picture of it to send out as a message of hope. Then, later as I was looking at the picture I started to read the conversation, and the hope I was so excited about was shot down like a dove over Afghanistan. She claimed to eat too much and he suggested more abs...little does he know I'm going to suggest a swift kick in the ass and a clean my sink party in class tomorrow for his chauvinism.
On my lunch duty today I walked past this student and noticed the words "Always Right" in place of the name. I was like "is that your girlfriend?," and he said, "yes," so I took a picture of it to send out as a message of hope. Then, later as I was looking at the picture I started to read the conversation, and the hope I was so excited about was shot down like a dove over Afghanistan. She claimed to eat too much and he suggested more abs...little does he know I'm going to suggest a swift kick in the ass and a clean my sink party in class tomorrow for his chauvinism.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wear Pants
Dear DJ,
So I have told you before that I only shave on the regular from about April until October because I am usually in shorts or a sundress. From November to February I'm usually in tights or pants so the only shave worthy thing in those months is sex.
I'm not a blondie that can go three weeks without shaving before someone tries to shoot and stuff me. Deforestation is a small price to pay for being Italian but none the less a pain in the ass. So as previously stated it's the month of February, and the last time I shaved was about a week ago. Last Thursday to be exact because I was going to see my boyfriend...you can fill in the blanks. Anyways so I am getting dressed for school this morning and I believe at the time I had maybe heard on the news that I was kind of watching while playing on facebook that it was supposed to warm up today. So I decide to wear a skirt. The thought of my unkempt legs crosses my mind briefly, but then I think no one will notice that my legs look strikingly like Yellowstone National Park after a forest fire (did I mention how ashy my legs were from the pool chlorine..)
So I get outside. Freezing. Great. Skirt and Sperrys were a great choice. Go to work mind my business all day. No one tries to hunt me down so I think this is all good. Then the end of lunch bell rings. Here comes third period. Big, loud, ass clowns. Every kid in that class has a personality (not always good). My most loved and most hated class of all time. Enter Student, John*: 6'3 220-something offensive lineman that quotes Will Ferrell movies all day. John is also one of those students who has yet to complete one project in my class yet still manages to con me into giving him points for doing things like organizing by desk drawer or handing me a paintbrush.
As per usual, John is not doing his work, he has decided to take a seat next to my desk and just hound me with stupid questions and beg me to watch his football highlight video he put on YouTube. Really? Mid-conversation I see John's eyes go to no-man's land. Yep, straight to the legs. I thought maybe he was checking them out until I saw the horror on his face.
John: Oh my God. You need to shave.
Me: I know I've been.. (interrupted)
John: Wear Pants.
Me: O (and before I can get the "K"-I get it" out..)
John: Wear Pants. (pause) Do you want to switch bottoms?
John: You need to be wearing pants. I am more fit to wear that skirt right now.
Then THANK GOD, having the attention span of a cocker spaniel he was distracted by another student who was "Moving Like Bernie." (I wish that was made up, but it's not) So again... if you haven't learned from love lost at the orthopedic surgeon's office or repulsing an 18 year old boy who talks about farting all day... Shave your legs.
So I have told you before that I only shave on the regular from about April until October because I am usually in shorts or a sundress. From November to February I'm usually in tights or pants so the only shave worthy thing in those months is sex.
I'm not a blondie that can go three weeks without shaving before someone tries to shoot and stuff me. Deforestation is a small price to pay for being Italian but none the less a pain in the ass. So as previously stated it's the month of February, and the last time I shaved was about a week ago. Last Thursday to be exact because I was going to see my boyfriend...you can fill in the blanks. Anyways so I am getting dressed for school this morning and I believe at the time I had maybe heard on the news that I was kind of watching while playing on facebook that it was supposed to warm up today. So I decide to wear a skirt. The thought of my unkempt legs crosses my mind briefly, but then I think no one will notice that my legs look strikingly like Yellowstone National Park after a forest fire (did I mention how ashy my legs were from the pool chlorine..)
So I get outside. Freezing. Great. Skirt and Sperrys were a great choice. Go to work mind my business all day. No one tries to hunt me down so I think this is all good. Then the end of lunch bell rings. Here comes third period. Big, loud, ass clowns. Every kid in that class has a personality (not always good). My most loved and most hated class of all time. Enter Student, John*: 6'3 220-something offensive lineman that quotes Will Ferrell movies all day. John is also one of those students who has yet to complete one project in my class yet still manages to con me into giving him points for doing things like organizing by desk drawer or handing me a paintbrush.
As per usual, John is not doing his work, he has decided to take a seat next to my desk and just hound me with stupid questions and beg me to watch his football highlight video he put on YouTube. Really? Mid-conversation I see John's eyes go to no-man's land. Yep, straight to the legs. I thought maybe he was checking them out until I saw the horror on his face.
John: Oh my God. You need to shave.
Me: I know I've been.. (interrupted)
John: Wear Pants.
Me: O (and before I can get the "K"-I get it" out..)
John: Wear Pants. (pause) Do you want to switch bottoms?
John: You need to be wearing pants. I am more fit to wear that skirt right now.
Then THANK GOD, having the attention span of a cocker spaniel he was distracted by another student who was "Moving Like Bernie." (I wish that was made up, but it's not) So again... if you haven't learned from love lost at the orthopedic surgeon's office or repulsing an 18 year old boy who talks about farting all day... Shave your legs.
Salem
Dear DJ,
So I picked up a smelly cat today on my run and adopted it. Salem October-Sunday. So I put food out for it and I go to check on it tonight and there was a roach eating its food...a nasty ass roach...ugh! creepies! So I tried to shoo the roach and it CHARGED me. I was literally running backwards on my porch from a nasty ass mean roach.
Anything that crawls on all fours and does not have fur or a diaper needs to die. Especially if it has wings AND crawls. Salem just watched the roach try to attack me. We had a long talk after that. If it flies, it dies. If it crawls, it falls. Salem understands that her rent is not free.
Salem is awesome because she is like a dog and follows me everywhere. On the other hand, she thinks she is a dog and tries to sneak into the house. Until you bark and stop shedding, you're not allowed indoors. No pity for the kitty.
SALEM OCTOBER-SUNDAY HAS SINCE PASSED ONTO TO KITTY HEAVEN. REST IN PEACE.
So I picked up a smelly cat today on my run and adopted it. Salem October-Sunday. So I put food out for it and I go to check on it tonight and there was a roach eating its food...a nasty ass roach...ugh! creepies! So I tried to shoo the roach and it CHARGED me. I was literally running backwards on my porch from a nasty ass mean roach.
Anything that crawls on all fours and does not have fur or a diaper needs to die. Especially if it has wings AND crawls. Salem just watched the roach try to attack me. We had a long talk after that. If it flies, it dies. If it crawls, it falls. Salem understands that her rent is not free.
Salem is awesome because she is like a dog and follows me everywhere. On the other hand, she thinks she is a dog and tries to sneak into the house. Until you bark and stop shedding, you're not allowed indoors. No pity for the kitty.
SALEM OCTOBER-SUNDAY HAS SINCE PASSED ONTO TO KITTY HEAVEN. REST IN PEACE.
Lost Sunglasses
Bestie: I probably left them in the dressing room and someone got them or who knows. It's okay, only plastic...$200 plastic, but plastic none the less.
DJ: I know! I'm so pissed for you! Say a prayer and maybe they will turn up.
Bestie: I know! I've been praying to St. Anthony. He and I are pretty tight. We go way back. I need his direct line.
DJ: Always losing stuff are we?
Bestie: Um...like I really don't get how irresponsible I am when it comes to electronics and accessories. I think children are out of the question at this point.
DJ: Well, unlike electronics and accessories, children can scream so that you can locate them.
Bestie: That's true! People are always willing to return children.
DJ: Because sunglasses and phones don't pick their boogers or shit their pants.
Bestie: Exactly. The sad thing is I like my sunglasses more than children.
(A FEW DAYS LATER)
DJ: FML! I just knocked my side view mirror off.
Bestie: It's ok. Remember, it's just plastic. Your mirror is in expensive plastic heaven with my sunglasses.
(A MONTH LATER)
DJ found the sunglasses under her bed while discovering the dust bunnies she had been neglecting.
DJ: I know! I'm so pissed for you! Say a prayer and maybe they will turn up.
Bestie: I know! I've been praying to St. Anthony. He and I are pretty tight. We go way back. I need his direct line.
DJ: Always losing stuff are we?
Bestie: Um...like I really don't get how irresponsible I am when it comes to electronics and accessories. I think children are out of the question at this point.
DJ: Well, unlike electronics and accessories, children can scream so that you can locate them.
Bestie: That's true! People are always willing to return children.
DJ: Because sunglasses and phones don't pick their boogers or shit their pants.
Bestie: Exactly. The sad thing is I like my sunglasses more than children.
(A FEW DAYS LATER)
DJ: FML! I just knocked my side view mirror off.
Bestie: It's ok. Remember, it's just plastic. Your mirror is in expensive plastic heaven with my sunglasses.
(A MONTH LATER)
DJ found the sunglasses under her bed while discovering the dust bunnies she had been neglecting.
Cavity
Bestie: OMG! I'm freaking out! I have an advanced cavity! I can see it! It's around a metal filling and my tooth hurts! I'm making an appointment with the dentist tomorrow! I mean what white trash am I!
DJ: You are not white trash...they didn't catch it at your last check up?
Bestie: I think so, but it's been a year, and he said if I floss it would take care of it .... I think I flossed once. I'm embarrassed what do I do. It's bad. I'm going to have to get a crown or something. I'm looking it up.
DJ: Don't be embarrassed. Just go get it checked out. Hopefully it won't be as bad as you think. Too bad Jacob isn't a dentist yet.
Bestie: I know! Gosh! No, it is! I have all the symptoms of advanced cavity! Gosh, I feel like a Mountain Dew drinking white trash kid
DJ: Mountain dew and Twizzlers...
Bestie: Omgggg! I eat Twizzlers, black ones! omggg! I have a whole jar of them on my counter! WTF stupid Twizzlers.
DJ: I was just joking! It's just bc they get stuck in your teeth
(NEXT DAY)
Bestie: Not a cavity....possible abssess or cracked tooth above metal filling. He shaved my tooth down to make my bite more comfortable. If it still hurts in a week, he will take another look and maybe put a crown on it - but he said it was nothing I did, just an old filling.
DJ: There you go!!! You're not a Mountain Dew white trash kid who eats too many Twizzlers
Bestie: Yayyy!!!!!!!!! Thank goodness! I'm eating black Twizzlers in the bubble bath and reading Pretty Little Liars it's like I'm 14!
DJ: You are not white trash...they didn't catch it at your last check up?
Bestie: I think so, but it's been a year, and he said if I floss it would take care of it .... I think I flossed once. I'm embarrassed what do I do. It's bad. I'm going to have to get a crown or something. I'm looking it up.
DJ: Don't be embarrassed. Just go get it checked out. Hopefully it won't be as bad as you think. Too bad Jacob isn't a dentist yet.
Bestie: I know! Gosh! No, it is! I have all the symptoms of advanced cavity! Gosh, I feel like a Mountain Dew drinking white trash kid
DJ: Mountain dew and Twizzlers...
Bestie: Omgggg! I eat Twizzlers, black ones! omggg! I have a whole jar of them on my counter! WTF stupid Twizzlers.
DJ: I was just joking! It's just bc they get stuck in your teeth
(NEXT DAY)
Bestie: Not a cavity....possible abssess or cracked tooth above metal filling. He shaved my tooth down to make my bite more comfortable. If it still hurts in a week, he will take another look and maybe put a crown on it - but he said it was nothing I did, just an old filling.
DJ: There you go!!! You're not a Mountain Dew white trash kid who eats too many Twizzlers
Bestie: Yayyy!!!!!!!!! Thank goodness! I'm eating black Twizzlers in the bubble bath and reading Pretty Little Liars it's like I'm 14!
Man's work
DJ: My string of bad luck has continued...about to pay all of my new clothes money on new tires
Bestie: Flat tires???
DJ: One flat and then they suckered me into another..I hate being a girl where's my husband to do this shit.
Bestie: For real! I mean, I'm over not being married.
DJ: And my dad's phone was off or something so I had to call Jacob's stepdad and just make a big girl decision...ugh! I hate that!!!!
Bestie: These are things I depise... Taking out the garbage, the bank, pumping gas, the post office, the cleaners, oil changes, inspection stickers, Lowes, Home Depot, and changing light bulbs. All Mans Work
DJ: Exactly! If I have to squeeze a watermelon out of my vajajay, you can take care of the yard, cars, trash, anything dirty and gross, and bugs
Bestie: Agreeeddd --- birthing fruit, cooking, laundry, and putting down the f*cking toilet seat is enough work. I hate men right now thanks to your tires. I forgot about the toilet seat in my year of singledom. Man, that's so annoying!
DJ: Jacob is weird and actually puts the seat back down...he might have broke that habit though since he's been living alone for the past 6 months
Bestie: See the ex always peed outside so it was a non-issue...
Bestie: Flat tires???
DJ: One flat and then they suckered me into another..I hate being a girl where's my husband to do this shit.
Bestie: For real! I mean, I'm over not being married.
DJ: And my dad's phone was off or something so I had to call Jacob's stepdad and just make a big girl decision...ugh! I hate that!!!!
Bestie: These are things I depise... Taking out the garbage, the bank, pumping gas, the post office, the cleaners, oil changes, inspection stickers, Lowes, Home Depot, and changing light bulbs. All Mans Work
DJ: Exactly! If I have to squeeze a watermelon out of my vajajay, you can take care of the yard, cars, trash, anything dirty and gross, and bugs
Bestie: Agreeeddd --- birthing fruit, cooking, laundry, and putting down the f*cking toilet seat is enough work. I hate men right now thanks to your tires. I forgot about the toilet seat in my year of singledom. Man, that's so annoying!
DJ: Jacob is weird and actually puts the seat back down...he might have broke that habit though since he's been living alone for the past 6 months
Bestie: See the ex always peed outside so it was a non-issue...
Sweet Pea
How did "sweet pea" become a term of endearment?? How come no one ever affectionately refers to you as a "French style green bean"?
Crumb Sheets
Bestie: We need to come up with crumb resistant/ repellent sheets
DJ: Like for those of us that eat Cheese Its and Teddy Grahams in our beds?
Bestie: Exactly!!! Mine is more of a graham cracker/ toast bread situation bc I don't allow myself to buy Cheese Its anymore after I won the "how fast can you eat an entire box of hot and spicy Cheese Its contest." Problem was I was the only contestant and there were no judges
DJ: I love Cheese Its but I also am trying to step away from cheesy flaky crackers...
Bestie: No lie, I bully one of my students for his flavored blasted Goldfish every day
DJ: Maybe it could be a vacuum that is hooked up to your bed and you could just suck them up from the comfort of your bed
Bestie: That'd be the cat's pajamas
DJ: Or the dog's tuxedo
DJ: Like for those of us that eat Cheese Its and Teddy Grahams in our beds?
Bestie: Exactly!!! Mine is more of a graham cracker/ toast bread situation bc I don't allow myself to buy Cheese Its anymore after I won the "how fast can you eat an entire box of hot and spicy Cheese Its contest." Problem was I was the only contestant and there were no judges
DJ: I love Cheese Its but I also am trying to step away from cheesy flaky crackers...
Bestie: No lie, I bully one of my students for his flavored blasted Goldfish every day
DJ: Maybe it could be a vacuum that is hooked up to your bed and you could just suck them up from the comfort of your bed
Bestie: That'd be the cat's pajamas
DJ: Or the dog's tuxedo
Name my Cat
Bestie: I wish it was a girl! I have a thousand cute girl names, that are probably more fit for a unicorn but oh well.
DJ: Let's just call him Cat and call it a day
Bestie: Cat's a good one. Let's just call him something different every time, just whatever you feel like calling him at that moment like a Pandora Box of cat names
DJ: I like it...that way no one can ever steal him by luring him away using his name...and it allows for ample creativity and sporadic emotional expression
Bestie: Precisely! As an artist I prefer not to be bogged down with such jarring things like proper nouns! I Pity the simple minded.
DJ: Agreed! People just don't appreciate our out of the box intelligence.
DJ: Let's just call him Cat and call it a day
Bestie: Cat's a good one. Let's just call him something different every time, just whatever you feel like calling him at that moment like a Pandora Box of cat names
DJ: I like it...that way no one can ever steal him by luring him away using his name...and it allows for ample creativity and sporadic emotional expression
Bestie: Precisely! As an artist I prefer not to be bogged down with such jarring things like proper nouns! I Pity the simple minded.
DJ: Agreed! People just don't appreciate our out of the box intelligence.
Our Kids
Dear DJ,
Your kids are going to be prep school NYC rich kids to my kids and my kids are going to give your kids cigarettes and beer.
Your kids are going to be prep school NYC rich kids to my kids and my kids are going to give your kids cigarettes and beer.
Death Box
Dear DJ,
So the sauna at my gym is super scary... The light is sometimes off and I don't know how to turn it on and can't find it bc it's so dark in there and I'm afraid to feel around for it bc I'm afraid I'll burn myself AND the door stalls when you try to leave so I always have a brief moment of panic that I will be trapped in there and no one will hear me yet I reattempt this death box every day---- SO if I text you that I'm locked in the sauna I'm at ****** Fitness Center ******** location.... God forbid my phone dies then I'm a goner.
So the sauna at my gym is super scary... The light is sometimes off and I don't know how to turn it on and can't find it bc it's so dark in there and I'm afraid to feel around for it bc I'm afraid I'll burn myself AND the door stalls when you try to leave so I always have a brief moment of panic that I will be trapped in there and no one will hear me yet I reattempt this death box every day---- SO if I text you that I'm locked in the sauna I'm at ****** Fitness Center ******** location.... God forbid my phone dies then I'm a goner.
Youth of today
Dear DJ,
What's wrong with today's youth...as I walk to my duty I hear
Student quote: "Jesus had long hair. Why can't I have long hair? This school is so racist."
My reply:
A. Jesus also walked on water, fed hundreds of peeps with one loaf of bread and turned water into wine... When you do all that you can grow you hair to you ankles...
B. Google the word racist...
What's wrong with today's youth...as I walk to my duty I hear
Student quote: "Jesus had long hair. Why can't I have long hair? This school is so racist."
My reply:
A. Jesus also walked on water, fed hundreds of peeps with one loaf of bread and turned water into wine... When you do all that you can grow you hair to you ankles...
B. Google the word racist...
Mistress
Dear DJ,
la te da la te da la te da I don't have to work until 10:45 so I came home and made oatmeal, now I am about to pack up my lunch and try to look busy at work. I wish I was a billionaire's mistress so that I could sleep all day. Yes mistress, wives probably actually have to do things.
la te da la te da la te da I don't have to work until 10:45 so I came home and made oatmeal, now I am about to pack up my lunch and try to look busy at work. I wish I was a billionaire's mistress so that I could sleep all day. Yes mistress, wives probably actually have to do things.
Doctor McHottie
Dear DJ,
As a rule of thumb... One should always look cute for there first doctor's visit... And shave your legs
So I've been having some aches and pains in my bones to make a long story....(of how I was never checked for scoliosis in elementary school, probably bc I was an asshole kid and my teachers sought pleasure in the fact that maybe if they sent me to the library instead of the scoliosis checking room, that I would never reach my full potential of being 5'8 and a supermodel and be forced to stand a mere 5'7.5 due to a crooked spine)...short, today I went to the orthopedic surgeon.
Upon arrival my mother, who has come in from out of town, and I find out that my appointment was for tomorrow. F*ck. And Dr. Patrick* doesn't come to the office on Wednesdays. Ahh Double F*ck. My dad has made it halfway to meet us at this point. (It's always a family affair, yes) Soooo Dad turns around back home.
After convincing the nurses that it's their fault that my mom and I cannot read our own handwriting or check a calendar to see how the days of the week coincide with certain numbers of a given month...We get an appointment with Dr. McHottie*.
Enter: Nurse Wetblanket that drives an eclipse (probably) blah blah X-rays...
Enter: "Winnie the Pooh" scrubs X-ray lady who looks more qualified to cook oatmeal at Little Folks day care than to scan pictures of my bones.. But hey I'm not here to judge..err?...click, turn, don't breathe, click blah blah back to exam room...
Enter: Dr. McHottie....
Cue: heavenly gates opening music, fireworks, etc. Tall blue eyes, gorgeous facial structure...
Realization of what I look like/wearing: mental celebration and all plans of me as Mrs. Dr. McHottie stop abruptly.
After some slight discussion of how I'm feeling and me throwing in every chance I can how much I work out (because I need him to know as his future wife I will never get fat) we get to the lowest point in my day...
Mid medical chat, I glance down at my chewed and cracked manicure and desperately start looking around for a drawer to shove my fingers in. But then I remember they're attached to my mother f*cking hands. Mid panic I glance at myself in the mirrored paper napkin dispencer and see that I have massive amounts of mascara under my eyes, it looked as if I'd consulted Ozzy Osbourne at Sephora (thanks for the heads up Mom)..
Not even fully paying attention to what Doc Hottie is saying I hear something about my knees...
Doc walks over... Tells me to lay down and put my knees up (I liked where this was going until I realized my mom was in the room and I remembered the purpose of my visit. boo)
Okay so what about kneeee.. OMG he has lifted up Old Navy yoga pants leg to bend my knees...Panic panic. RAZOR, SHAVE, PRICKLEY, ASHY, LEGS.. I may have passed out at this point... I mean my eyes were open and I was breathing and walking maybe talking even, but the humiliation was so great the only thing I was consciously doing was trying not to let drool come out the side of my mouth, I couldn't bare the thought of Doc Hottie thinking I was a cocker spaniel AND had mild retardation.
All I wanted to do was make a clean getaway and maybe Dr. McHottie would forget about me. Veterinarians have seen less hairy legs than Doc Hottie had to feel today. BUT NO.... As we are paying my copayment my mother tells the nurses.. "Oh she will be back for physical therapy on Monday, and I'm sure she will have the right date and time because Dr. McHottie sure is easy on the eyes." OH. MY. GOD. Retard drool all down left side of face...
Shaving is for sex. Since I don't have sex on the regular I don't find it necessary to shave on the regular. However, if I had known that a possible sexual encounter would have been on the table (or should I say examination table) I would have shaved my gosh-damned legs.
Fact: Get a razor and check a mirror before all first visits. :(
So how was your day DJ??
As a rule of thumb... One should always look cute for there first doctor's visit... And shave your legs
So I've been having some aches and pains in my bones to make a long story....(of how I was never checked for scoliosis in elementary school, probably bc I was an asshole kid and my teachers sought pleasure in the fact that maybe if they sent me to the library instead of the scoliosis checking room, that I would never reach my full potential of being 5'8 and a supermodel and be forced to stand a mere 5'7.5 due to a crooked spine)...short, today I went to the orthopedic surgeon.
Upon arrival my mother, who has come in from out of town, and I find out that my appointment was for tomorrow. F*ck. And Dr. Patrick* doesn't come to the office on Wednesdays. Ahh Double F*ck. My dad has made it halfway to meet us at this point. (It's always a family affair, yes) Soooo Dad turns around back home.
After convincing the nurses that it's their fault that my mom and I cannot read our own handwriting or check a calendar to see how the days of the week coincide with certain numbers of a given month...We get an appointment with Dr. McHottie*.
Enter: Nurse Wetblanket that drives an eclipse (probably) blah blah X-rays...
Enter: "Winnie the Pooh" scrubs X-ray lady who looks more qualified to cook oatmeal at Little Folks day care than to scan pictures of my bones.. But hey I'm not here to judge..err?...click, turn, don't breathe, click blah blah back to exam room...
Enter: Dr. McHottie....
Cue: heavenly gates opening music, fireworks, etc. Tall blue eyes, gorgeous facial structure...
Realization of what I look like/wearing: mental celebration and all plans of me as Mrs. Dr. McHottie stop abruptly.
After some slight discussion of how I'm feeling and me throwing in every chance I can how much I work out (because I need him to know as his future wife I will never get fat) we get to the lowest point in my day...
Mid medical chat, I glance down at my chewed and cracked manicure and desperately start looking around for a drawer to shove my fingers in. But then I remember they're attached to my mother f*cking hands. Mid panic I glance at myself in the mirrored paper napkin dispencer and see that I have massive amounts of mascara under my eyes, it looked as if I'd consulted Ozzy Osbourne at Sephora (thanks for the heads up Mom)..
Not even fully paying attention to what Doc Hottie is saying I hear something about my knees...
Doc walks over... Tells me to lay down and put my knees up (I liked where this was going until I realized my mom was in the room and I remembered the purpose of my visit. boo)
Okay so what about kneeee.. OMG he has lifted up Old Navy yoga pants leg to bend my knees...Panic panic. RAZOR, SHAVE, PRICKLEY, ASHY, LEGS.. I may have passed out at this point... I mean my eyes were open and I was breathing and walking maybe talking even, but the humiliation was so great the only thing I was consciously doing was trying not to let drool come out the side of my mouth, I couldn't bare the thought of Doc Hottie thinking I was a cocker spaniel AND had mild retardation.
All I wanted to do was make a clean getaway and maybe Dr. McHottie would forget about me. Veterinarians have seen less hairy legs than Doc Hottie had to feel today. BUT NO.... As we are paying my copayment my mother tells the nurses.. "Oh she will be back for physical therapy on Monday, and I'm sure she will have the right date and time because Dr. McHottie sure is easy on the eyes." OH. MY. GOD. Retard drool all down left side of face...
Shaving is for sex. Since I don't have sex on the regular I don't find it necessary to shave on the regular. However, if I had known that a possible sexual encounter would have been on the table (or should I say examination table) I would have shaved my gosh-damned legs.
Fact: Get a razor and check a mirror before all first visits. :(
So how was your day DJ??
Just Another Day
Dear DJ,
Currently one of my students is trying to nail something to my wall while his friend tries to stick things up his butt to make him break concentration...
Currently one of my students is trying to nail something to my wall while his friend tries to stick things up his butt to make him break concentration...
The Dream
Dear DJ,
So I had a dream that my boyfriend was a bartender/owned a bar or something. And you were a bartender there. So I went to drink with y'all and the place was hopping. Then all of a sudden Sally* and her friends including stupid Francis* who I hate show up, and we hang out with them for a little while. Then all of a sudden, we are driving down a beach highway laughing and talking and THEN, we were walking on the sidewalk of this dirt track road that looked like the fair race track and my ex-boyfriend was with us! And I think we were all drunk. The ex was def drunk and he said "If I ever see Brad Pitt, I am going to pull down my pants and say..." (then he jumps in front of a car that is coming down the muddy race track road and says...) "Take this Angelinaaaaaaaa." THEN he gets hit by the car and falls face first into the muddy track, and we all think he is dead. Out of no where, this girl I went to grammar school with (who is a nurse according to facebook) comes out and claims him to be alive. So I jump into the muddy track and pick him up and bring him to the side of the road which also happens to be a pier. I remember thinking that I was mad that I jumped into the muddy track and ruined my jeans and I remember thinking that I hope my new boyfriend doesn't think that I still like my ex because I saved him.
So I had a dream that my boyfriend was a bartender/owned a bar or something. And you were a bartender there. So I went to drink with y'all and the place was hopping. Then all of a sudden Sally* and her friends including stupid Francis* who I hate show up, and we hang out with them for a little while. Then all of a sudden, we are driving down a beach highway laughing and talking and THEN, we were walking on the sidewalk of this dirt track road that looked like the fair race track and my ex-boyfriend was with us! And I think we were all drunk. The ex was def drunk and he said "If I ever see Brad Pitt, I am going to pull down my pants and say..." (then he jumps in front of a car that is coming down the muddy race track road and says...) "Take this Angelinaaaaaaaa." THEN he gets hit by the car and falls face first into the muddy track, and we all think he is dead. Out of no where, this girl I went to grammar school with (who is a nurse according to facebook) comes out and claims him to be alive. So I jump into the muddy track and pick him up and bring him to the side of the road which also happens to be a pier. I remember thinking that I was mad that I jumped into the muddy track and ruined my jeans and I remember thinking that I hope my new boyfriend doesn't think that I still like my ex because I saved him.
Precious
Dear DJ,
Scene set up: I am at my lunch duty making sure no riots or fights break out (aka: texting/facebooking/gmailing from my iphone ) ..
One of my students (Homosexual, African-American Male) walks by exasperated.. and says "I just ate three slices of pizza, I feel like Precious"
True Story.
Scene set up: I am at my lunch duty making sure no riots or fights break out (aka: texting/facebooking/gmailing from my iphone ) ..
One of my students (Homosexual, African-American Male) walks by exasperated.. and says "I just ate three slices of pizza, I feel like Precious"
True Story.
Sick and Tired
Dear DJ,
Why do people feel the need to tell you what you look like... Unless they are telling me I look great or that I resemble a celebrity (a hot one, not like Kirstie Alley), I don't really give a shit what they think. I don't need them to tell me that I look tired, or "you don't look like you feel well." Like what is the point?? Am I supposed to say "Oh great! Thanks!" Honestly if I look tired or sick, I probably am- so that being said I am probably in a terrible mood so you pointing out how crappy I look is not going to chipper my day. I make it a point to never tell anyone they look anything other than great! I just think that telling people in subtle way that they aren't looking so hot needs to be addressed and more importantly put to an end. I am trying everyday to raise teenage boys to be sensitive to a woman's needs to save more and more female hearts from being broken. Maybe I will win a Nobel Peace Prize.
So please my dear friends if someone at your work looks like hell spare them the "tired" or "sick" comments. Unless of course it is some bitch you don't like and you want to make a stab at her.... Come to think about it the latter reason is probably what that ginger was trying to do to me.
PS. I am not sick or tired. I left my makeup at my parents' house. My students are horrified. I really want to tell them that they will really be in shock when they get to college and wake up to some "lady" with mascara down her face and a bar stamp on her forehead. They really should screen girls without makeup first so there are no suprises in the morning. Oh the life lessons I could really teach these kiddos.
Why do people feel the need to tell you what you look like... Unless they are telling me I look great or that I resemble a celebrity (a hot one, not like Kirstie Alley), I don't really give a shit what they think. I don't need them to tell me that I look tired, or "you don't look like you feel well." Like what is the point?? Am I supposed to say "Oh great! Thanks!" Honestly if I look tired or sick, I probably am- so that being said I am probably in a terrible mood so you pointing out how crappy I look is not going to chipper my day. I make it a point to never tell anyone they look anything other than great! I just think that telling people in subtle way that they aren't looking so hot needs to be addressed and more importantly put to an end. I am trying everyday to raise teenage boys to be sensitive to a woman's needs to save more and more female hearts from being broken. Maybe I will win a Nobel Peace Prize.
So please my dear friends if someone at your work looks like hell spare them the "tired" or "sick" comments. Unless of course it is some bitch you don't like and you want to make a stab at her.... Come to think about it the latter reason is probably what that ginger was trying to do to me.
PS. I am not sick or tired. I left my makeup at my parents' house. My students are horrified. I really want to tell them that they will really be in shock when they get to college and wake up to some "lady" with mascara down her face and a bar stamp on her forehead. They really should screen girls without makeup first so there are no suprises in the morning. Oh the life lessons I could really teach these kiddos.
Look Up
Dear DJ,
This is my second to last Monday of work and that fact is single-handedly getting me through the next two weeks. I am letting my students paint wrapped ceiling tiles as their last project. Because A.) I don't have to hear them bitch about not liking the assignment because they get to pick whatever they want to draw and paint and B.) it keeps them quiet because if I hear one of them call bisque, a biscuit or the kiln a kennel one more time I am going to lose my mind. So to sum it up I will have nothing but sports players, cars, and cartoon characters all over my classroom ceiling for the next year. One student is painting a beach scene. That tile will be placed right over my deck so I can look up and escape to tropical paradise.
This is my second to last Monday of work and that fact is single-handedly getting me through the next two weeks. I am letting my students paint wrapped ceiling tiles as their last project. Because A.) I don't have to hear them bitch about not liking the assignment because they get to pick whatever they want to draw and paint and B.) it keeps them quiet because if I hear one of them call bisque, a biscuit or the kiln a kennel one more time I am going to lose my mind. So to sum it up I will have nothing but sports players, cars, and cartoon characters all over my classroom ceiling for the next year. One student is painting a beach scene. That tile will be placed right over my deck so I can look up and escape to tropical paradise.
Orgasmic Cycling
Dear DJ,
So there is a guy at my gym, I have seen him there twice and he does the bike machine for like hours and he looks like he is having the most intense orgasm throughout his entire workout. I laugh out loud sometimes. I cannot decide if I want to love working out as much as he does or I if want to have sex with him.
So there is a guy at my gym, I have seen him there twice and he does the bike machine for like hours and he looks like he is having the most intense orgasm throughout his entire workout. I laugh out loud sometimes. I cannot decide if I want to love working out as much as he does or I if want to have sex with him.
Breast-feeding Shirts
Dear DJ,
I am also going to need to hear about the kid that wear's breast-feeding shirts? Are we talking about shirts that give information about breast feeding or t-shirts with actual breast feeding flaps (which FYI no one should wear even after giving birth)? And I am correct in recalling that you said this child was a man.
I am also going to need to hear about the kid that wear's breast-feeding shirts? Are we talking about shirts that give information about breast feeding or t-shirts with actual breast feeding flaps (which FYI no one should wear even after giving birth)? And I am correct in recalling that you said this child was a man.
Would you rather?
Dear DJ,
So I set 6 alarms every day. If I get up for the first one, I go to the gym. If I decide to skip the gym, I usually make it to alarm 4 before I get up for work. I made it to alarm 6 today and was nearly late for work. I feel so nauseated this morning. If I was having sex and wasn't on my period I would be freaking out that I was pregnant.. to add to my nausea my students are playing "Would You Rather?". So far I have heard "Would you rather"..."pee out of your nose or smell out of your private part," "Take a D up the ass and be a millionaire or be poor for the rest of your life," "eat poo everyday for the rest of your life or smell like it," "lay naked in a tub of cock roaches or dive in a pool of tobacco spit." They would not stopping asking me my choice in these scenarios so I asked them if they would rather have Cheetoh hands for the rest of their life or swim in a pool of period blood.... The funny thing is they all acted horrified as if I actually pushed them in a pool of period blood. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get them to shut the hell up. Me=1 Students=0. (I think that it is disturbing that I have mentioned period twice (now three times in this email).
So I set 6 alarms every day. If I get up for the first one, I go to the gym. If I decide to skip the gym, I usually make it to alarm 4 before I get up for work. I made it to alarm 6 today and was nearly late for work. I feel so nauseated this morning. If I was having sex and wasn't on my period I would be freaking out that I was pregnant.. to add to my nausea my students are playing "Would You Rather?". So far I have heard "Would you rather"..."pee out of your nose or smell out of your private part," "Take a D up the ass and be a millionaire or be poor for the rest of your life," "eat poo everyday for the rest of your life or smell like it," "lay naked in a tub of cock roaches or dive in a pool of tobacco spit." They would not stopping asking me my choice in these scenarios so I asked them if they would rather have Cheetoh hands for the rest of their life or swim in a pool of period blood.... The funny thing is they all acted horrified as if I actually pushed them in a pool of period blood. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get them to shut the hell up. Me=1 Students=0. (I think that it is disturbing that I have mentioned period twice (now three times in this email).
What is Art?
Dear DJ,
That's like people at subway being called sandwich artists--- Now I am a fan of the culinary arts but making a sandwich and twisting a pretzel is a stretch for the arts and sciences...
That's like people at subway being called sandwich artists--- Now I am a fan of the culinary arts but making a sandwich and twisting a pretzel is a stretch for the arts and sciences...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)